I've never been much for New Year's resolutions, mainly because I can't keep them going. No matter how many times I've tried, I can't seem to make myself wash my face at night for more than a few days after January 1. A few years ago, a friend introduced me to the concept of choosing a word to focus on throughout the year instead of making a resolution, and I'm happy to say, this practice has been much more doable.
This year, after a great deal of thought, I decided on the word trust. Not only did I choose it as my word, but I also drank the Kool-Aid and ordered one of those My Intent bracelets with my word engraved on it. I figured this would serve as a daily reminder to focus on my word and put it into practice. Easier said than done.
I was feeling pretty good about my choice until I heard one of my friends had chosen the word execute, and as soon as I heard it, I wished I had picked it instead. Execute is such a strong, powerful word. It makes me feel like I'm kicking butt and taking names. I'm making things happen. And even better, I can see the action taking place. It's the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction I have when I make a to-do list and then mark things off one by one.
I think maybe that's why I'm having a hard time with trust. It doesn't always lead to immediate, easy-to-see results that help me stay focused, so I'm finding I have to have a great deal of patience. Sometimes I think I'm trusting, but am I really? It's easy to stop without even realizing it.
Let's be honest, though, the real issue I have with trust is that it requires me to relinquish some, if not all, of my control. Whether it's in relationships with friends and family, or with God himself, trust forces me to rely on someone else, and that can be pretty scary.
A few days ago, I woke up early for my quiet time, knowing I had four big things I really wanted to pray about. I felt confident that I had done what I could do and was ready to leave the rest up to God. But by 4:30 that afternoon, my trust was really beginning to waver because I felt like I was only 1 for 4 in getting the answers I was hoping for.
Later that night, I was cleaning the boys' bathroom and thinking about my prayers that didn't get answered the way I wanted them to, when all of a sudden, I heard a voice. Now, I would like to be able to stop right here and tell you I heard God's voice speaking to me plain as day, and it sounded a lot like James Earl Jones, but alas, that's not quite how this story goes.
The voice I heard was actually none other than Ricky Ricardo's, complete with his thick Cuban accent. If you've ever watched I Love Lucy, you know at least once an episode, Lucy got into a little trouble, causing Ricky to exclaim, "Lucy! You got some 'splaining to do." And so, as I scrubbed the tub, questioning why things went the way they did and how everything could possibly work out, I could hear myself in Ricky's voice telling God he had some 'splaining to do of his own.
And then I had to stop and laugh at myself because who am I to tell God he needs to explain himself to me? I'm pretty sure most days I need to explain myself to Him, clarifying why I did what I did, or even harder, why I didn't do what I needed to.
One of my good friend's says God's plan is like a puzzle-- we only get to see one little piece, but He can see what the entire finished puzzle looks like. I like that image, and sometimes, when I'm hesitant to put my trust in something I can't see, focusing on that image of a puzzle keeps me grounded and makes things more concrete. It reminds me that there's more to this one particular answer, this one particular event, this one particular day than I can even imagine.
Most days, I feel pretty good about praying; where I struggle is in putting my complete and total trust in God. In trusting His plan to be way better than my own. In trusting that He will answer my prayers, in His time and in His way.
Because as easy as it was to engrave the word trust on a bracelet, I'm still working day by day to engrave it on my heart.
