I don't know about you, but it appears I struggle with procrastination, implementation, and general day-to-day organization. Therefore, I am currently accepting applications for a personal assistant. The ideal candidate will be a self-starter with tremendous initiative, attention to detail, and a valid South Carolina driver's license.
Your main tasks will be as follows:
Task 1: Take Down My Christmas Wreath
Yep, you read that correctly. Somehow I took my tree down the day after Christmas, but I can't grab the wreath off the door and toss it in the trash on the way to the car. I packed away all of the ornaments, all of the nativities, all of the stockings, but I can't do anything with the easiest decoration to get rid of. What is wrong with me?
At least when I left my tree up all year, the only people who knew about it were close friends, family members, and one select babysitter, all who were required to take an oath of non-judgement before they walked in the door. My wreath, on the other hand, is front and center for everybody to see. The neighbors, the pizza man, the Amazon Prime delivery person who comes at least once a week, everybody. When I pull into the driveway, it's all I notice, like the wart on a witch's nose. Secretly, I'm hoping the garbage collectors will talk it over and decide they should help a sister out and just come grab it one Friday, toss it in the truck, and never look back. It's like ripping off a Band-Aid . . . sometimes it's easier if someone does it for you.
Task 2: Make ALL of My Phone Calls
I hate talking on the phone, plain and simple.
On Monday, I had to put on my big girl pants and make three calls during my planning period. Three! What kind of nonsense is that? When I was finished, all I could do was stare at the wall for the rest of my planning. I was done. Those three calls took everything out of me. The elevator music, the queue position notification, the repetition of "Katherine with a K" . . . it was all more than I could handle.
The only good part about making the calls was the feeling of victory that came along with marking them off of my to-do list. Believe it or not, I do love feeling productive. Sometimes if I forget to write something on my to-do list, but I end up doing it, I go back and add it to the list after I've done it just so I can savor the thrill of marking it off. Don't laugh, you know you do it too!
Task 3: Return My Library Books
Truth . . . There should be a sign at every Barnes & Noble register that features my photo along with the message, "Do not, under any circumstances, sell books to this woman." Barnes & Noble is to me what Target is to most women. I always end up with way more than I need and spend way more than I should. I used to love getting gift cards to B&N, but then I realized they were actually more of a curse than a gift because I just end up buying even more.
I know the answer to my problem is taking advantage of the library, and that should be easy, considering I pass two of them on my way home every day. My struggle, though, is I usually forget to return my books by the due date, and by the time I take them back, I owe what the book cost to begin with. I still have to pay the cover price, but I don't even have a book to show for it.
Sometimes, it's not even my fault. Alex will load the boys in the car for school with library books, and I don't even realize they're back there. Or, the books fall between the wall and Jackson's bed during nap time, and you know what they say---Out of sight, out of mind.
One of my New Year's resolutions is to use the library more, and I'm off to a good start. I've already checked out and read Bossypants, The Lying Game, and Small Great Things, and I'm proud to say, I returned all of them before they were even due.
I also finished Before We Were Yours, but this one could cause me some trouble. See, I finished it at school during silent reading, and it keeps getting buried on my desk before I can get it into my bag to go home. If you've never seen my desk, you should know that it's a little bit like the Bermuda Triangle, which leads me to Task 4 . . .
Task 4: Clean Out My Car
My desk and my car both fall into the category "Things I Can't Keep Clean to Save My Life." One time, I asked a student to go get something from my car, and as she walked out the door, I said, "Don't judge me by my car." She looked at me, looked at my desk, and replied, "Is it worse than that?" Touche.
Another time, a group of girls needed a soccer ball for a vocabulary skit, so I sent them to my car to get one. They came back doubled over with laughter. As it turned out, they had stumbled upon Reeves' rock collection, which he kept in the consoles of both doors and all over the floorboard. They still talk about my rocks, and it's been three years! (Alex did finally make us find a new home for the rocks--he was scared if we had a wreck, they'd fly around the car like projectile missiles and cause more injuries than the wreck itself. He probably had a point.)
Last week, I brought the entire car rider line to a screeching halt because as Jackson was getting out of the car, he accidentally kicked a Tonka truck, an old applesauce squeezie, and a dirty sock out of the door, causing one of the teachers to run over to help the sweet safety patrol student gather everything and toss it back on the floorboard. There was also some rogue paper flying around. All I can say is I hope I don't need it because I didn't stick around to get it back. My embarrassment forced me to flee the premises immediately.
Fair warning . . . This particular portion of the job may require a hazmat suit, as it will definitely involve touching all manner of unidentifiable objects, including, but not limited to, petrified French fries, moldy cheese sticks, and smushed raisins. But you should look at it as an adventure, kind of like a treasure hunt or an archaeological dig. You never know what you might find. It could be anything from five dollars worth of change to a long-overdue library book (See Task 3).
Task 5: Cancel My Gym Membership
Here's an embarrassing confession . . . I have three gym memberships.
Now, as you vacillate between asking yourself, "Why in the world does Katherine have three memberships?" and "Shouldn't Katherine be in better shape if she has three gym memberships?" let me explain the situation.
I joined Columbia Athletic Club way back in 2001. I've made gym friends there over the years and have seen it go from the CAC to Gold's to MUV. It has all of the equipment and classes you could ever need, plus a great childcare staff. I love this gym so much, I even went the morning Reeves was born. Of course, that was mainly so I could put Jackson in Kids' Care while I went upstairs to sit on a bench under a fan and read back issues of People for two hours. I'm not ashamed, I was nine months pregnant in Columbia in August . . . Mama needed a break.
In January of 2013, I joined Anytime Fitness in Chapin. It was perfect because I would leave Mid-Carolina, go work out, pick up Jackson from Chapin Baptist and then head back to Columbia. Once I started teaching at BC, I knew I probably only needed my MUV membership. I really did try to cancel my membership at Anytime Fitness, but they told me I couldn't do it at the Devine Street location. No, no, no, I had to go all the way back to Chapin, and somehow, over the past five years, I've just never found the time to make the trek all the way out to Chapin. In my defense, I have visited Anytime Fitness on Devine occasionally, but definitely not enough to make it worth it. And no, I do not want to calculate how much money I have wasted on that monthly fee.
Last summer, I joined Burn Bootcamp. My intention, since it was summer after all, was to head to Chapin to cancel my Anytime Fitness membership and funnel that money to Burn. Ask me how well that worked out. You know what's paved with good intentions . . . the road to a gym, evidently.
While you will not receive mileage for this portion of the job, I will be more than happy to cover your lunch at La Fogata in Chapin, provided you supply me with an order of Pollo Fundido. It's the best in the Midlands, hands down. It is also why I could benefit from frequenting all three gyms!
This concludes the responsibilities for this position. Other tasks may be added when necessary. These could include cleaning out the kitchen junk drawer on a regular basis or printing and cataloging the pictures on my phone. If you feel like this is a job you can handle, please leave your resume in the comments below. I'll look over the pool of applicants and call email you if I feel you would be a good fit. Be advised, this position is, in essence, an unpaid internship, but the life experience you will gain will be invaluable. Thank you for your interest in organizing my crazy life!
